fat, fatter and getting fatter

I have no idea how to loose weight. I read the books, I try and try, but somehow, somewhere I am going wrong. To the conclusion, that I will die younger than I need to, and will need medications, and be looked at and laughed at by people. My whole family is thin, what am I to do? I just looked at this lumpy, ugly mess of what was once a beautiful and desired body, this lump of fat is disgusting and I just want to cut it into pieces and feed it to the fire. I wonder if all the unwanted stress has something to do with it, and changing countries and foods so radically different from what I was use to, could play some role in this lump of lard? I'm afraid that if I die I won't be able to be cremated, because I will be too big to be put in the oven? Oh God, I'm so claustrophobic, I'm dreadfully afraid to be put into a box and buried, my hands become like ice when I think of it. Maybe I should start smoking, smokers all look so thin. But yuk, the smell is enough to put me off.